[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/02/a6be241a1245812cc5ae144ba890b6b1_view.jpg[/img] I told myself I wasn't going to reach out to them. As I looked at their names, I reminded myself that the whole point of getting my original birth certificate was to learn my identity and do some genealogy. Now that I had names, I could figure out my ethnicity and have a lot of questions answered. It didn't make sense to reach out to these people who---most likely---wouldn't want a relationship with me. But something Mary----my birthmother---had said in a letter to me all those years ago, kept echoing in my head: "My middle son is very excited to meet you someday". She explained that she didn't have much contact with her other two children, but that this particular son knew about me and apparently was at least somewhat pleased about my existence. It took me about 2 weeks of thinking it through, and wondering if I could cope emotionally with being told again that I was not welcome in someone's life. When I finally decided to take my chances, I sat down and wrote a letter to my brother---Don. I must have written about 7 different drafts, showing each one to my ever supportive husband, who finally deemed the last one "not overly emotional or rambling". With the support of a dear girlfriend who had been cheering me on through this journey, I finally worked up the courage to put the letter in the outgoing mail, and prepared myself for a less than positive response. It was almost a week later, while I was I on vacation with friends, that I received one of the best emails I've ever read: "I'm so happy you found us...we have so much catching up to do.....can I call you?" Within days, I had spoken with both of my brothers, Don and Ron, on the phone, and had exchanged emails with big sister Ava. I don't mind telling you that I was thrilled to learn all three have a wonderful sense of humor, and of course, most amazing of all.....they have welcomed me with open arms. It's as if my appearance has been completely natural to them. I honestly have been so touched by their kindness that it has more than made up for the sadness I felt so many years ago when 'our' mother chose to stop contact with me. The outcome has been better than I could have ever hoped for. Mary is not yet aware that we are in touch with each other......Because her contact with her kids is infrequent, I am leaving it up to their discretion if or when they want to share that information with her. In the meantime, I have spent the past few months feeling more "whole" in my heart than I ever have in my life. Pieces that were missing are finally being put in place. And as wonderful as its been, something else amazing is about to happen...... I'm meeting Ava face to face this weekend. http://simplysnarky.blogspot.com/2016/12/i-told-myself-i-wasnt-going-to-out-to.html

May 21, 2006 I just started my search yesterday and i already have a name- Scott L. Valeen. I found he has an older sister, also an adoptee, named Stacey. Her birthdate is one year and one day after mine. I have phone numbers but am scared to call. My mom is crying all the time, begging me one second to call and the next to just leave it alone. What do I do? I want to know he's had a good life, and I'd like to share some medical info with him. We'll see.......

My search really started when the courts told me that my last name started with a "K". I started by looking up all of the high schools list for Allegheny County, Pennsyvania. Once I had those I went to classmates.com and started going through everybody listed for the years '67 & '68. Diane graduated in '68 just after I was born. I found 2 people with the name Diana and 4 with the name Diane. I was able to eliminate 4 of the people by either age or name(one graduated in '67, another was to young, one had a polish last name and the others birthdate was to late in the year). Diane was almost 18, so her birthday wasn't to far away. I checked on info for these to and they seamed to fit. One person seamed to fit really well. Then I asked my CI if my bgrandfather was still alive and she said "no." I looked up both of the last names and I person had died thatfit my bgrandfathers info. I asked my CI if he had died along time ago or not and she told me 2004 and that his second wife had also died in 2001. This didn't fit with any info that I had found. I was sure that I didn't have the right people. I spent some time going through the obits for Pittsburgh area for 2004 and finially found him. It fit the name that I had and it listed both Diane's name and her husbands. It listed Diane's brother and his wife as well as my bgrandfather's 2nd wife and her to kids with spouses. His picture is also posted with the obit. Now all I have to do is figure out which Diane (with her last name as there are several) is her. But I do believe I might have it figured out. I just need to do some cross referancing. I will not try to contact her until the CI has finished her job and hope that Diane will respond that way as I don't want to scare her. The CI is still waiting a responce to the second letter that she sent out registered. I will just sit back and wait but now I know that if nothing happens with the CI, I know that I am not done.

April 30, 2006 I updated my information on a registry site and a search angel was able to get in contact with my birthgrandparents. They want contact with me and we spoke on the phone for over an hour the other day. They told me that my b-mom was upset when they told her I was looking for her. She has not told her daughter about me, but thats OK. I am extremly happy with what I have now and I would not change anything.

for everyone out there who were given up for adoption or taken, whatever the case may be, dont ever give up trying to find your birthfamily. now i can understand certain situations that would cause a parent or parents to have no choice but to give their child up for adoption, but i honestly with all of my heart believe that an adoptee does have every right to have adoption records opened, but only at the right age and maturity also. you also have to be careful if you find out certain things, for the simple fact that not everything is worth knowing...i have alot of things to say but it is hard because i was not treated right growing up..

First a shout out to my cyber friends.... Forever Family... YIPPEE amazing :-) M...rocks....how wonderful, she is such an amazing kiddo I love hearing about her tremendous growth and well...hello? she's awesome at EVERYTHING. C is just a beauty and amazing and gonna have some big shoes to fill (effortlessly...I'm sure) ....and Eli...call me let's talk, we need a male member of the band FOR SURE...I just...I love hearing about your family....it just gives me more proof....proof in the amazing amazing of it all...thank you. PAULA.....get that nurses degree girl YOU'RE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I love ya! And your kids (and hot hubby :-) will be so proud of all you are doing! Tudu...I wanna hear you're the parent of a biracial newborn...:-) boy! (but selfishly as said before....girl. :-) I need to swap hair ideas...and well after Eli and Ari...start their band???? ...you know we may need another singer :-) Not that any other of your beautiful kiddos...couldn't join. :-) Pechocha...congrats on THE FINALIZATION!!!!!!!!!! Sophia is an angel. Ahimsa....so nice to hear from you :-) How are your beauties....I miss hearing from you....miss the stories :-( Ok...while my producer woes are not resolved and neither are the lawyer issues....I feel much better. Maybe because in three days I will be basking on the beaches of Hawaii...maybe because I have begun a new and AMAZING project....and maybe because I can fianlly see the furture unfold. For the amazing project....I will be starting a blog soon about my writing, but it is about a Czech freedom fighter that was a mother and a wife who fought against oppression and was executed. When I go to the Czech Republic...I will be speaking with her daughter who, when she was 16, was taken to a prison cell and kissed her mother goodbye and that day her mother was hanged in a public square. This was only thirty years ago and this woman, her daughter, has never recovered. It does speak to the issues we face in adoption....it speaks to the tremendous loss of a parent and I can't wait to speak to her next month and tell her mother's story. I feel honored to be chosen to do so. My films are also moving along....and I am so grateful I am a writer :-) All looks good YEAH! Sadly my own little daughter will have to be left home as we are not able to finalize her adoption before my trip. It will be heartbreaking and gut wrenching to be away from her, truthfully I don't know how I will do it, but the woman I am writing about, and for, left her daughter and was never able to return to her....I will consider myself fortunate for being able to hold my angel in my arms seven days after leaving, and grateful for the understanding of the pain of separation that was permenant for Milada and...for every birth mother who relenqusihed their child...and every adoptive parent who was not able to parent their foster or adoptive child. Parenting does have it's sorrow. For my sister's wedding in Hawaii...we will have The Big Easter Egg hunt. Of the friends and family who have become parents....we will be having a huge Easter Egg Hunt at my sister's "day after wedding, brunch" When I looked at the kids...I just teared up with joy at how proud I am of our friends. Here are the kids and parents in the Easter Egg Hunt, the day after my sister's wedding. My cousin Kris and her husband Hunter and their girls...Skylar and Devon. Devon was born on the livingroom floor of their home after two contractions, weighing 9.5 pounds, born to a 5 foot 100 lbs woman who was later diagnosed with breast cancer and is (thank God) now cancer free....RIGHT ON KRISSY! Skylar is 6 and Devon is 3.5 Kellie and Mike Rosen....after two miscarriages (one in the sixth month of pregnancy) gave birth to Rachel Rosen in October of 2006. Randy and Elliot Flies after coming out to their families ten years ago, adopted a son Isaac from Vietnam, he is now 8...they later married (in a spiritual ceramony still not recognized by the state of Minnesota) and bought a house, claiming they were living thier lives in reverse, Baby, Marriage, House, adopted Jason from Cambodia who is now six. Carolyn and Chris Mukai....have three sons, the last....little Collin was born in October 2006, but the first Justin, had seizure disorder and was put on Phenol Barbital which caused speech delays and physical delays and is still in special education. And finally....... me mother to Aria Hope, who is 14 months old, biracial drug exposed, DIVA, singer extrodinaire, falsly (or not) diganosed with CP and Epilepsy.....come on Aloha Easter Bunny we are READY for you! And on a final note....my mother, who we all know I have had a challenge living with.....was found on the freeway going to Orange County (to a dr.'s appointment) on an onramp (facing the wrong direction) down the embankment, with her car TOTALLED. (Brand new Toyota Highlander SUV Hibryd) not knowing where she was and how she got there. THANK GOD SHE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it brought home for me the fact that she really, really needs help and that's why Ari and I are here....as hard as it has been, I finally get that. And I love her I really do....and so does my little angel. Ok...final note on little angel....she now rules the world and has both me and my mom wrapped around her finger...I am trying to pull in the reins a bit so as not to spoil the babe....but boy is it hard. And lastly...I boast that LA is so diverse...but really we are not. I wanted to find a little Madame Alexander doll for Ari for Easter...each of my cousins and my sister (all of which will be at the wedding in Hawaii) got their first Huggums at their first Easter....(well this is Ari's second...but ok...she was a little cute blob on her first) And I wanted to follow tradition for my own child. I went from Beverly Hills to The deep dark Valley and NEVER found a brown skinned Madame Alexander Baby doll...finally I started calling...I got answers like. "we don't carry brown skinned dolls"....like I was asking for a leper doll. To "we used to carry them, but we don't anymore.", "nope, all white" "No, we don't have brown skinned dolls." To the place I finally went to get her doll (by the way she has four gorgeous dolls, all beautiful, all brown skinned (two are from Pottery Barn kids) the other two were very expensive, but worth every dollar) They said "we do have brown skinned dolls, but they're BLACK!" "Are they Madame Alexander?" I asked? "Yes, but they're BLACK!" "Great, I'm coming right over." Clerk adds...."you sure you want a BLACK doll?" and I add..."YESSSS!" Boy oh boy...if I weren't a successful filmaker I would open a toy store of JUST ethnic dolls....damn I finally got a taste of everyday average racism....and it is in the simple fact that no doll/toy story in Los Angeles carries brown skinned dolls that don't look like a charred version of the Bride of Chucky!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr.

Its Friday and I've been house sitting. I've had 3 emails from my son and we're both communicating well. I still haven't given him my phone number as I'm still on the edge of having a breakdown and I'm not available emotionally like that, but I feel I need this constant contact that he's giving me, to build up my confidence again. He says he's going to send me photos of his parents and his brother and if he does do that, that would be nice, but he's not very good at following through. A tv programme about alcohol and the damage its doing to people as young as 22 has profoundly affected him and I think its hit home. If it has and it helps give him a focus, that would be so good. I'm off to my counselling session now and she has been so encouraging and says that the reunion in her experience IS a good one. Feeling much more encouraged but my mind is still numb and I need time to recover. Will make another entry when I have more time, have to get the train now

We started doing this foster care thing in '05 and it was a rollercoaster ride then, but today it is so different! We have our boy and mom has expressed how she knows she wont be able to care for him, and we really want him in the worst way, but now she is pregnant again, using drugs, and isn't sure if she wants to give him up or not, and the case worker wont do termination because of the pregnancy, and the fact they want us to take the next baby so they are keeping this case open!!! Today is the permenancy review and I have no idea what will take place! I am nervous for our boy because I do not know how much longer he will be in custody! I am scared he will get a little older and start to get confused because he goes for his visits and his mom calls herself mom to him and then he comes here and I call myself mom to him I just do not know how to feel or what to think! I became apart of this adoption.com website to talk to people and vent, but sometimes no one replies to your questions and therefore you still don't have "anyone"! I just hope all goes well with this review and we get the ball rolling on the adoption process! I just don't think his birthmom is compotent enough to raise her children(she did(with our boy) and is on drugs while pregnant so she is already putting her children in danger)!!! I am scared and confused and worried and anxious! Sometimes I feel all alone because my in-laws do not talk to us and my family does not talk to us either! I am just beside myself today!

A very good friend of mine gave me some advice...really without knowing she was giving me advice. But it was exactly what I needed at that particular minute in time. She told me about "stepping back and finding the love of self to fulfill ones self". And in that one minute I got it. It was like a revelation. I am looking so hard into my relationship with J lookig for some type of "fulfillment". And when I was not getting what I thought I needed, it caused this depression for lack of a better word, this funk, that maybe she backed way off because finding me was enough for her. And I wanted more. But now, I am no longer going to look at my reunion, or lack there of, in that same light. I am stepping into 2008 looking at this as my self love and self fulfillment. Having J want me in her life would have been phenomenally great. Having my buncle and his family in my life, fabulous too. But my lightbulb above my head has gone off. And that is when I figured out that I am no less happy than I was before they arrived in my life. I am no less me for them choosing not to be a part of it. I am enriched with the knowledge that I have been given about my past. I am not angry anymore. I am not going to spend anymore time on what if or what might be. Life is too short. I am content. And for my friend who gave me this gift, I am eternally grateful.

My family does not realize how important it is for me to know what God has done with the children and how He has taken care of me, as well. I am so glad for everything that is going on in my life right now, I can hardly believe all the changes within that have taken place in me. God is good, and He is really doing a work in me, IT is a sight to behold. God is good. I am grateful to have this place to write and to be where God wants me to be. The weight has not come off entirely, and it is no longer troubling me. It will come off, when my eating gets better, or when I find something that will cleanse me entirely. I do not know.